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A Song for Today

Last night Baby Boy and I had a rough evening while Hubs worked on our A/C unit. Baby Boy wouldn’t eat dinner, he fussed and fussed, he continues to refuse a sippy cup and will only drink his milk in a bottle. Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera… It all made me feel like I was going to explode and then of course after I put him down for bed I felt guilty for being so short tempered and cried on Hubs when he finally came in for the evening. And then I woke up still low today. I had to drag myself out of the bed. I cried on the way to daycare. I was late to work. A million thoughts are running through my mind telling me I’m deficient; that I’m simply not good enough. All this when I just thought I was in the clear. It’s been a month since my last mood disturbance so I let myself think I was “better.” I pray this is just a blip in the radar. Maybe I just need a really good night’s sleep, after all, it’s been three nights in a row that my sleep has been disrupted.

But until I feel myself again, I have to put on “the mask.” I’m a supervisor, and supervisors aren’t allowed to be this way in front of their staff. My direct reports don’t know I have a mood disorder so they probably think I’m crazy, never knowing what to expect…

I’ll leave you with a song. It came up on my playlist this morning on the ride into the office. The feelings it conveys perfectly reflects my state this morning.

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Winter’s Come and Gone

Today is the first day of spring! In celebration I’d like to share one of my favorite songs – Winter’s Come and Gone by Gillian Welch. I play this song a lot, not just when the weather turns warmer. It brings me comfort in moments of sadness since it reminds me of the kind of music my grandfather listened to while he was still alive. This tune is even more joyous for me today since this is my first spring after finding out I am bipolar. I was diagnosed just before winter set in, and I was already prone to the seasonal blues. Now that winter is finally over, my hope for this spring is that I will continue to gain stability while nature bursts with new life.